Hobbled

Ugh. Save yourself from this charmless movie, which Telegraph critic Robbie Collin gets exactly right in every respect here. I knew it would be long and execrable -- the film takes us only into chapter 6 of the Hobbit, about a minute and a half per page. You can literally read it faster. But that was supposed to be the price for stunning special effects and sweeping beauty -- but there's none of that either.

Jackson has also chosen to shoot the film at 48 frames per second rather than the industry standard of 24. The intention is to make the digital special effects and swoopy landscape shots look smoother, which they do. The unintended side effect is that the extra visual detail gives the entire film a sickly sheen of fakeness: the props look embarrassingly proppy and the rubber noses look a great deal more rubbery than nosey.

Jackson thinks when you need a moment of warmth or humanity after a relentless orc fight, you can just have Gandalf speak some treacly words and the movie will have a heart.

The little boys (12, 9) liked it.

Eldest Weed: Interminable.
Girl Weed: I didn't hate it as much as I am going to hate hearing you guys complain about it.
Middle Weed: My favorite part was when Gandalf got the troll king.
Youngest Weed: I give it like a B or B-.

Final word to Peter Collin:

As a lover of cinema, Jackson’s film bored me rigid; as a lover of Tolkien, it broke my heart.